these past few months have been quite heavy, but rather enlightening all at once. my heavenly father has taught me far too many things for my little heart to hold. but because his grace surpasses my weakness, i have been able to withstand all of the painful and confusing and wonderful lessons he has taught me. but let me tell you, learning from a holy god is not a very pleasant experience. it's full of arguments, pushing, cleansing, refining, and transforming. and if i've learned one thing this past semester, it's that i'm completely and utterly dirty in every way possible. i'm covered with dirt that takes all my effort to scrape off. when i think i've washed myself clean, i find deeper filth - filth that the top layer of dirt had sprouted from in the first place. god was very quick to point out that all my efforts trying to either cover up my dirt with more dirt, pretending that the dirt wasn't there, or attempting to scrape off the dirt myself was all vanity and it would only leave me completely exhausted. god was waiting for me in my heart, but all i was doing was attempting to clean my appearance rather than asking his spirit to help me dig through the dirt that was actually covering my heart, not my body.
we're so good at doing that, aren't we? we've lost our senses and emotions in a pool of social media, carpool lanes, shallow conversation, fast food, etc etc. at least that's what i've been doing. we're pretty dang good at pushing our emotions aside and spreading them thin; over committing, putting our health aside for the sake of our work, not wanting to engage in rich conversation, not resting because the world has taught us that resting equals laziness (which by the way, i've discovered the difference and...folks... resting is a beautiful, beautiful thing), not embracing our emotions, and so on. i thought that i only had to become spiritually mature, but was oblivious to the fact that spiritual and emotional maturity are glued together. god was teaching me spiritual concepts that were just too deep for my shallow emotions. my emotional health was feeble and hallow, and i didn't think that it was as imperative as my spiritual health.
but as god's spirit and i continue to dig deeper into my heart, i discover more and more of what it means to be emotionally and spiritually healthy - that it's okay to cry and scream, dance and sing, sit and rest, love and be loved, work hard or be okay with doing absolutely nothing at all, feeling deeply and being susceptible to hurt, and living into the wholly and holy beings that our father desires us to be. he wants us to taste the nourishment that comes from his creation, smell the blooms of spring, see the vastness of the ocean or magnificence of the mountains, hear the words "i love you", and feel things deeply and genuinely.
i'm still learning these things as each day passes. i'm still learning what it means to be emotionally whole and spiritually holy. i know that my dirt is deep, but i also know that the love and grace of god is deeper. i may be filthy, but god promises a life as pure as snow. i'm still learning what it means to be free and how to feel free, though god tells us that freedom was given to us long ago. i have the assurance that although i don't feel free, i'm already set free. but most importantly, i'm learning the pure and definite goodness of the lord. and folks, it's sweeter than the peaches and honey i'm eating right now. so that's something to rejoice about.
more updates to come on what's goin on behind the words i'm writing. as always, there are lots of changes happening over here. LOTS.